Santa is on my two-year-old’s shit list. Last year, she loved him. Every time she saw anything with Santa, she’d point and yell, “Santa! I wub dat guy!” Now, she’s not impressed. We went to the mall the week before Thanksgiving and Santa had already set up shop. We saw him and he waved to us. But Ellis backed away. “I don’t wike him,” she said. I told her it was Santa and he was nice and brought presents on Christmas. But she was having none of it. “I don’t want to see him!” She said and stomped her foot. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s a grown man in costume. Maybe it’s the fact that he defies the laws of well, everything, to make his impossible journey. Or maybe it’s that he sneaks into our home at night, but Ellis is not convinced he has good intentions.
So, these past few weeks have been just non-stop Santa propaganda. I’m basically the Joseph Goebbels for Santa. We’ve talked about how Santa brings presents. He loves everyone. And did I mention, he brings presents? So, last week when we visited Santa, she was a little more comfortable. At first she shied away, but then he told her she was pretty and offered her candy, and she was all, “Sure!” Which I’m sure is a good lesson to teach a kid. “If a strange man gives you candy and calls you pretty, sit on his lap.”
And then her uncle sent her a video from Santa made on the Portable North Pole website, which is amazing. You can make a personalized video for your kid so Santa can talk directly to them. You just better hope your kid isn’t smart enough to Snopes that. Watching her watch that video was like reliving the magic of being a kid, when anything is possible. Her eyes were wide. She smiled and giggled. She insisted on watching it again. But afterwards, when I asked her if Santa called she said, “Yes, but he not da real one.” Um, okay, fourteen-year-old.
So, the best we’re coming up with is an uneasy ambivalence. Here are five things she’s said about (or to) Santa.
1. Ellis: “I not on da nice list.”
Me: “Why not.”
Ellis: “I don’t want to be on Santa nice list. Santa on my list!”
Santa, you better watch your back.
Note: When she says “list” it comes out as “wist.” So, that’s pretty awesome.
2. Me: “Do you want to see Santa?”
Ellis growls and stomps her foot: “NO! HE MAKE ME FEEL BERRY RUDE!”
3. Ellis is standing in front of Santa clutching her candy and I prompt her to tell him what she wants for Christmas. In a barely audible whisper she says, “I want a teeny tiny telescope, a teeny tiny sword and a teeny tiny boat.”
“Are you a Viking?” Santa asks.
“No, I just a Captain Hook!” She yells and makes a hook with her finger. “ARRRR!”
4. Ellis: “Santa come to my house and say, ‘Here you go Elwis! Here you presents.’”
Me: “Well, he will come down the chimney.”
Ellis: “Well, den he get burned in da fire and get died. Dat so naughty, Santa.”
5. After watching her Santa video: ”Santa talk to me, but I don’t say nofing! He a stwanger!
Are we getting sick of these “crap my kid says” posts yet? I’m sorry. I mean, it’s just that two-year-olds are certifiable. For the past two days she’s been walking around with a can of tomato paste calling it her “bwest fwend.” Honestly, she turns three in three months and I’m afraid. Deeply afraid.