1. The CAW
It’s just like this. You’re all happy and normal and settling down to sleep and then out of nowhere your baby is all CAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
2. The spit
This was me yesterday, getting spit up on. It got in my eyes and down my shirt. I’ve now learned the best place for a burp rag is down my boobs, so I’m not cleaning baby vomit out of my crotch. YOU ARE WELCOME. Also, E got 2 pairs of Dave’s shoes in one blow. ONE BLOW. We didn’t know whether to give her a medal or weep.
3. When they are hungry, they are hungry.
Yesterday, when I was 5 minutes late with the bottle, Ellis ate three second graders out of a Jeep. True story.
4. Sneak attacks
Everyone is all happy, walking through the tall grass, minding their own business and then BAM! BABY ATTACK. Also, when babies attack, men go running in every direction.
5. Be quick or be dead
Parenthood is basically like this video. This is the best piece of parenting advice, I’ve ever heard: ”You stare at him, and he stares right back. And that’s when the attack comes…”