People. It totally sucks when they try to talk to you or your kid. It’s like they can’t read your mind to know precisely the right thing to say. The worst is when they try to get all excited for you and share in your joy. It’s like, “B, you don’t know me or my baby. STEP OFF!” Amirite?
All around the internet people are trying to tell you what not to say to a mom who has a 2-year-old, has blonde hair, is pregnant, pregnant with twins or is pregnant with a taco. As a mom (which means I know everything always), I’m just going to give you one definitive guide to how to talk to moms/the pregnant/or taco-food-baby people. They are so special, you really should be ashamed for trying to talk to them BEFORE you read this post. Honestly.
Try “hello” or mumble “your majesty” while you avert your eyes. This woman is caring for a CHILD, which according to all the songs, IS THE FUTURE! Do not engage. Smile politely and hurry by. You should be so lucky to have been in her presence.
2. “Oh, you look good!”
What, are you insinuating that she looked bad? Jerk. If you were carrying all 7 pounds of life like this god-like creator in her yoga pants buying ice cream at 10:30pm is, you’d know that pregnant women always look good all the time. Why? BECAUSE THEY CREATED LIFE! What did you create? Oh, a spreadsheet? Does it poop every 2 hours? No? Then, I guess it’s not so special.
3. “Are you having a boy or a girl?
You may think you are trying to be polite and asking a very obvious question. I mean every baby has some sort of gender, right? WRONG. That’s exactly the entitled thinking that got you in this mess in the first place. The baby is a healthy perfect immaculate human being who rises above all your petty societal labels. How rude of you to even pretend to care.
4. “How’s the weather?”
Oh, now you think you’re going to stop talking about babies? It’s so obvious that this woman has them and she’s busy. She is too busy raising the future of America and keeping them from fishing poo out of the toilet, so busy with her divine calling that she has no time to talk to you about the weather. I mean, how prosaic. Really.
5. *Cower in silence*
So, you’re afraid of pregnant people and mothers now? Really? How rude of you. I’m sure the next thing you’ll suggest is that they take a load off and go get some rest. And then what? We banish them from society all together? DO YOU HATE CHILDREN? DO YOU HATE THE FUTURE?! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THE PREGNANT AND THE MOTHERS! *Sobs into giant maternity shirt covered with ketchup stains*
6. Would you like some dinner?
Are you calling that mother fat? Seriously she’s pregnant and/or the mother of 25,985,938 children. How dare you assume that she needs something as mortal as food for sustenance. She is buoyed only on the laughter of a child and bits of macaroni she finds on the floor. Oh, that wasn’t macaroni? Gross.
I think we’ve all learned a very important lesson here.