No Pants 2012: I Don’t Know How to Go To The Pool

I believe that there is a secret document that holds all the “dos and don’ts” of momettiquette and no one is sharing it with me, because you all are douchebags. My anxiety about this guide to proper mom behavior (which I am sure includes, “Rule #4567: Don’t tell your 15-month-old to ‘Suck it’ when she whines at you.”) is no better exemplified than the community pool.

The last time I was at a community pool, I sat on the plastic deck chair and wrote tortured poetry about ships and fair maidens. Sometimes, I read Lucy Maude Montgomery. I was 14. The world was my tragic oyster…full of chlorine, ships battered by the waves (much like love!) and men with mustaches.

Now, it’s summer and I have a baby who likes to splash about, but we have yet to go to the pool because without my journal and my fictional dead heroine tangled in seaweed, I don’t know how to go to the pool. What are the rules for moms at pools? Do you meet people there? Should I be friendly? Do I bring toys or is there a large sign that says “If you bring toys people will look at you askance! ASKANCE.” Please, anything but askance.

I probably can’t write poetry about mustaches and ship wrecks, because I have to make sure my kid doesn’t drown, right? It’s all so complicated.

I was asking a friend about the mom pool rules and after telling me that there was no secret document (that’s what she would tell me). I asked her if I could wear a two-piece. Now, let me just tell you this, I’ve worked hard to get back to my pre-baby size and sometimes mama just wants to show off some stretch marks. And my friend was all, “A mom in a bikini at the community pool? YOU AREN’T MRS. ROBINSON!”

This is precisely why I believe in the secret document. Without that guidance from my friend, I would have failed to connect my desire to sun my flabby, stretched-out flesh with creepy Anne Bancroft.

Then I went to New Orleans for 5 days and ate so much fried oyster that, well, a two-piece is out of question for the next few days. Too bad for all those young Dustin Hoffmans running around the middle of Iowa. So, yes, I’ve been planning my pool outfits.

One of the things I’ve learned from my almost 6 months of not buying clothes (*breathes into paper bag*). Is that clothes need to be versatile. If that bathing suit cover up isn’t working hard for you as a tunic, a top, dress, smoothie maker AND a bathing suit cover up, get that thing to Goodwill! If you can’t make those shoes work at the beach, the grocery store, vacation and at a Biaggi’s, who needs them? So, as I plan my outfits for the pool (we still have yet to go), they all look a little something like this.

 

Now, if only I could shop again…Read more about my No Pants 2012 Challenge here.

Thank you to Old Navy for sponsoring my post. I was compensated for this post as a member of Clever Girls Collective, but the content is all my own.

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