Dirty Underwear

Ellis is entering a new phase in her life. She is a toddler. Well, she would be a toddler if she actually toddled.  But she does say “remember” so you take the good, you take the bad, da, dah, dah…the facts of life. (I don’t actually know how the song goes because I was homeschooled. I’m sorry.)

She is suddenly much more aware of everything around her. She stares intently at the television when they report on flesh eating bacteria and giggles everytime someone is led away in handcuffs on the nightly news. We even got her to shout “USA” everytime she sees someone swimming in a pool. Bring it on London Olympics! (Okay, it sounds more like “Oh…sss…A!” But we’ll take it.)

And everything we say, she repeats. Last week, while I was changing her diaper, she grabbed her lady parts and said, “Do do!” Like she does with her belly button. “No, honey,” I said, “That’s your vagina.”

“Ohhh…Badina!”

From the other room Dave shouted, “TOO SOON!!”

It is. It’s all too soon. Because now we’re leaving the world of baby and entering the world of kid. In kid world there are movies, and playgrounds and Dora the freaking Explorer. I hate cartoons. Mostly because I find the idea of talking animals pretty repulsive. It’s so lowest common denominator. Like, “Look at the talking dog! Now give me all your money so I can swim in a pool of gold and think of another mind-numbingly stupid movie!” And America, we fall for it every time. I once had a parent actually tell me that I should see the latest talking dog movie because this time, “they played basketball” and it was “sweet.” No thanks, I think I’d rather sit at home and anthropomorphise a bottle of vodka.

How did we come to the point in society where we are actually thinking, “Oh wait, chipmunks are talking in high squeaky voices that will make my brain bleed in a movie?! SIGN ME UP! Oh look a SQUEAKQUAL! I’m so happy!”

This is why China will win.

And honestly, I think kids products are what they put all the cokehead writers on when their brains are too addled to come up with new scripts for “Criminal Minds.” I guess CBS has a good retirement program.

“The crack made Johnson drooly and comatose send him on over to write for ‘Bob the Builder.'”

Really, Bob is a builder? Where are the empty cans of Bud Light littering the yard? The 50 gallons of liquid nails and the loose morals? Where!? What precisely is Wendy and what in the world is Spud? He looks like a creation born of a meth-addled nightmare. He’s what you see right before your face get’s eaten off in South Florida. You should know, Ellis loves him.

Now that we are at the toddler stage, I spend most of my days looking at kids products and accessories and thinking, what COKE HEAD THOUGHT THIS UP?!

And nothing illustrates my point better than the book Bear in Underwear.

This is the front cover. The underwear is “touch and feel” for all your little molesters in training. Let’s take a look inside, shall we?

The bear finds some underwear and is peer pressured by Big Foot and a Beaver to try them on. These are the results. I’ll let you process this for a bit.

Did you get that? HE TRIES ON DIRTY UNDERWEAR?!

Where is the sequel, Bear Learns About Herpes? Or Bear With Crotch Itch?

Now those books would help the kids of America.

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