Sew up your hoo-has’, ladies!

 shark-brain-totally-looks-like-vagina
(Update: LizardRebel offered this as a graphic for my post. It’s pretty much the best.)

A lady I know just got her hoo-ha sewn shut.*

Record scratch What?!

Okay, it’s actually her cervix. But honestly, I was home schooled and raised Evangelical so, I’m pretty sure knowing more about the female anatomy is a path to Devil worship. But, do you want to know why she’s getting her cervix sewn shut?

TO KEEP THE BABY INSIDE.

Yeah, this is a thing. And here I thought sprouting a hormone-induced bloody tumor (yes, that happened to me and yes, Dave tried to get me NOT to remove it because then we would SAVE money) was the weirdest thing that could happen to you during pregnancy. Turns out, no, spouting fountains of blood is not even close to getting your cervix stitched up.

Here is where I want us all to stop and contemplate modern medicine. It doesn’t seem right that two stitches could be enough to keep a baby inside. I mean, haven’t we advanced? Isn’t there a technology? Are we really relying on needles and thread to contain a baby in a womb? What are we, Amish? What about zippers or Velcro? Or something else?

When Dave and I went to our birthing class, the nurse was showing us the various implements that might be used in case of a “more difficult birthing process.” First she showed us the forceps were were just giant salad tongs. I swear they still had the Williams-Sonoma sticker on them. The fetal -heart monitor? It’s just a screw with a wire in it.

The nurse calmly explained, “Oh and then we just affix this to your child’s head.”

I raised my hand. “Wait, you screw that into the baby’s head?”

The nurse nodded, “It just goes under their skin in their fontanel.”

“Wait. You screw it into their soft spot? This doesn’t seem right.”

The nurse smiled indulgently, “It’s all safe. Now let me show you the vacuum.”

And then, she pulled out a tube attached to a hand pump. It looked less advanced than the contraption we use to blow up air mattresses. Ladies, Coleman has more cutting-edge technology for their air mattresses than what what your doctor sticks up your hoo-ha. At the point they start using a vacuum on you, why not just use a plunger? Or a shoe horn? This is how societies fall.

That day, during our lunch break, Dave took me to Taco Bell, where I munched on Chalupas bigger than my fetus and told him, “There is no way that primitive vacuum is getting all up in my vagina. I think Dyson makes a better model than what the hospital had.”

He smiled and offered me his taco. This is why I married him.

But three months later, when after almost 6 hours of pushing and over 12 hours of labor, the doctor asked me if it was okay if we used the vacuum. I thought about that little hand pump and that precious baby inside of me and I shook my head and declared, “JUST GET THIS KID OUT OF ME!”

I suppose, if it isn’t broke.

So, I want to know. What is the weirdest thing that you know of happening during pregnancy.

 

*Yes, I got her permission to write about this as long as I kept her very anonymous. So, if you think you know who this is, shut it. This is a person with grace, dignity and class, who deserves better than to have her hoo-ha outed on the internet.

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