Growing up, we didn’t celebrate Halloween. Well, not really. Sure, we carved pumpkins (or “Satanic gateway drugs” according to that handout our church gave us). But we didn’t trick or treat and I was only allowed to dress up as Bible characters for our church’s “Harvest Fest.” And just in case you are curious, despite the fact there there was a preponderance of orange, pumpkins, cider and decorative hay, “Harvest Fest” was completely different than your Devil-worshipping Halloween parties.
So, what I am about to say, may shock you: Now, that I am a grown woman. I love Halloween.
The whole reason I had a child was for the trick-or-treating. And the love. But mostly the trick-or-treating.
Last year, Ellis was a robot. And this year, I’m torn between mobster, flesh-eating zombie, Franklin Delano Roosevelt (because she probably won’t be walking then..too soon?) or R2D2. Last night, I browsed the internet looking for costumes (no, I’m not going to sew, what is wrong with you?) And I came across some pretty amazing costumes all in kids sizes. I thought I would share them with you, so you can add them to your Pinterest board for all the ways you plan on ruining your kids for life.
Because nothing says “kid-friendly-fun” like gussying up your toddler as a French Maid. This is the perfect costume for sorority girls and Stepford Wives in training.
When you want your daughter to be empowered, but still look like a pretty, little princess-muffin-cupcake-angel-slave-to-sexism, consider this police girl number. Or this one:
Heels. Pantyhose. Short skirt. What? This is totally like every nurse I ever met…in college…whose name was also Bambi. There is also one for baby, because when it comes to dressing sexy, you can never start too young.
You guys, Mummy girls had rips over the clavicles all the time. Because apparently Egyptian culture also fetishized youth culture. Oh, they didn’t? That was just us? Well, this costume just got more awkward.
Just putting out fires. In this totally practical fire girl outfit. She may have third-degree burns on her knees, but that’s the price you pay for fashion. And, no, we don’t call them “Fire people.” We call them “Firemen” and “Fire Princesses.”
Ruining any budding sense of cultural sensitivity that might be occurring in your child, this costume does for culture what the settlers did to the Native Americans. What was the thought process for this? “We want an Indian girl costume, but we still want her to look white…”
This outfit was categorized as “cultural” on the costume website. Which totally makes sense if your culture is wearing short skirts, knee high socks and heels. Well played, website, well played.