Things I Think While Listening to Flo Rida

Me and my brother running my second half marathon and his first in 2009.

I am training for my fourth half marathon in October. And when I’m running, one of my guilty pleasures is deliciously awful music like a holy crap load of Nicki Minaj and Flo Rida.  On Monday, I did a 10-mile run and basically experienced an hour-and-a-half-long-Flo-Rida-induced existential crisis. If you need to know which song I was listening to, it’s here. And yes, I KNOW!  Here is the transcript of my Flo Rida Crisis of conscience. 

Um, gross, Flo Rida. We all know what you are talking about and that is nasty.A “whistle” isn’t even really a metaphor! IT’S JUST YOUR JUNK!

But is it really nasty? Because in a healthy relationship…

But FLO RIDA IS MAKING IT GROSS!

Seriously, Lyz, you worked for four years at a love and relationships site as a community manager telling people not to talk about their “whistles” on the internet, why are you a prude?

Oh, now we’re talking about “girls who like girls”? This is degrading to women everywhere. Why am I listening? Why is this happening?

Me and my friend Meg training for the half last year. I was slow because I was still carrying 30+ lbs of baby weight. Read: Tacos.

Oh right. It’s catchy.

Just whistle while you work it. Work it.

And maybe I’m being too hard on poor Flo Rida. I mean, the metaphor is so obvious. Maybe he’s not talking about his “whistle” maybe it’s just actually a whistle that he has around his neck that he just wants girls to…blow…

Ew. No. Flo Rida knows what Flo Rida is doing. You know this whole song is just insulting to women. If I heard my daughter listening to it I would go through the roof. THE ROOF. Except, then I’d confiscate it and add it to my workout mix because how easy is it to run to this song? Hey, mile 8.  Awesome.

I disgust myself.

This is how sexism persists. It’s not the evil hip hop culture with their lyrics of violence toward women, it’s all the little middle class white girls who like to shake it to these awful degrading lyrics. We are consuming sexism. WOMEN OF THE WORLD! RISE UP!

Girl, can you whistle while you work it.

And now I’m singing along. This is humiliating.

OH YAY! NOW ONE DIRECTION IS ON!

Dear Lord, I am someone’s mother.

Side note: Does that boy in the red clam diggers intentionally dress like Martha Stewart or is that what the kids are doing these days?

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