I’m so tired of everyone telling you that your life is over once you have a kid. Really, it’s just begun. I mean, for me, having a kid was an introduction to all of those things in life I was missing out on. Like “The Wonder Pets” and the deep and sudden desire to kill talking hamsters. So many wonderful fulfilling things. I made a list of them right here and if you ever doubt for one second that having a kid is anything other than sunshine, rainbows, and babies tooting glitter, then think again. Think again, my friends.
When you have a kid….
1. You always have someone to pull down your shirt and yell, “BRA!” in the check out aisle of Target. (Note: This might happen if you married a sixth grader and I’ve met some of your husbands…So, you have.)
2. You learn quickly, that everything you are doing is wrong. WRONG. So put the cookie down and back away slowly and no one gets hurt. Unless, your kid is a toddler, then everyone gets hurt. Always. Keep the cookie for yourself and run.
3. You can experience the joy of having Cheerios fall out of places that Republicans don’t believe exist. And no, it’s no spelled L-y-b-i-a.
4. Say words like, “Here are some delicious hot cinnamon apples” and then get rewarded with a punch in the face.
5. You learn just how hard it is to get a sticker out of your hair.
6. You can experience the joys of falling to sleep by counting the ways you are going to commit Elmocide. Drowning him in melted crayons. Knives. Suffocating him with that stupid “Shady” that never rolls up.
7. The knowledge that from now on, every time you get the once over from a dude while you walk down the street, it’s because there is a Princess sticker on your butt and oatmeal on your sleeve.
8. Conversations about “Why we don’t shove crayons up mommy’s nose” become routine. And you get to say things like, “Stop putting balls in your mouth!” Over and over and in public.
9. Saving your child from an imminent and painful death by bleach swallowing will reward you with approximately two hours of screaming by the child in question.
10. You can know the pleasure of hiding in the basement stuffing your face with Almond Joys, while your husband yells for you from the second floor because he CAN’T FIND THE FOOTIE PAJAMAS AND THE BABY IS CRYING! I mean, you could stage this scene, but without the desperation flavoring your deliciously coconuty avoidance techniques, it’s just not the same.
Oh well, at least I have this misplaced sense of superiority because I birthed something out of my vagina. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go tell someone who is single that they don’t know true joy until they’ve had snot rubbed into their belly button. It helps quell the rising panic.