As you may have noticed. Over here at casa Lenz, I’m pretty amazing at doing things. I don’t want to brag, but no one can make a cake ball look as unappetizing as me. No one. So, I thought it would behoove you all to benefit from my vast quantities of household wisdom, so you too can achieve domestic bliss.
1. One great way to fix a quick dinner is to do nothing and then when your husband gets home, yell, “WHAT ARE YOU MAKING ME FOR DINNER!” Repeat that over and over until the baby cries.
2. How to remove a stain: Take some white wine and pour at least a cup down your throat. If you still see the stain imbibe until you can no longer see the spot. This also works with red wine or whiskey.
3. A super fast way to clean your house is to do nothing at all until it’s condemned or your family puts you on “Hoarders” and they pay someone to clean it for you.
4. My favorite fast, healthy and nutritious meal that I LOVE to cook for my family is a plate of cheese and a nice glass of ShutUpIHaveAHeadache.
5. Give your parties some pizzazz, by spelling out offensive slurs or insults with carrots and dip.
6. If you leave enough food on your floor the mice will pick it up for you.
7. Giving your babies a lobotomy is a bad idea and probably illegal even though they did it to that one Kennedy girl.
8. If you have a spill on your clothes, don’t change, just yell mean things at your friends. If you make them cry, they won’t notice the stain through their tears of weakness.
9. If you have a friend coming over, ready your home by putting on pants and eating all the cookies.
10. Organize your child’s toys by burning them all right in front of her. But make sure she’s old enough to remember. You want to give her something to talk about in therapy later on.