Naming Your Child Kixx McGee Purple Aycer Robot Smith

Like obesity and crotch shots, one of America’s favorite past times is baby name judging.  And now that we’ve reached the end of the year, everyone is jumping on the “OMG WORST NAMES OF 2012!” bandwagon.  Even Jezebel joined the fray with “2012s Definitive List of Unusual Baby Names that Will Destroy Your Soul.” Citing names like the girls name “Thinn” and the boys name “Espn,” which is weird because I thought “Espn” was a girls name. Back to the drawing board.

And while it is no doubt fun to gawk and judge, which is where the Internet is a Viking, may I be so bold as to suggest that we all just take a moment and shut up?

Seriously.

One of the biggest arguments against unique baby names is that little Kixx McGee will go to Kindergarten and get mocked for her name and then grow up to resent her parents. Well, I have news for all the judgey moms of Sophies out there. I was named Elizabeth and I still resent my parents.  Game, set, match, judgers. Also, I got mocked for my name too. Elizabeth became “Little Bit” and then “Little Boobs” and then just “asshole.” Which is a progression you can do with any name. Watch me. William. Will’s pants. Will I ever shut up. Douchebag. No name is completely mock-retardant.  Also, all the kids I know with “weird” names who are adults, love their names. Love them. I had a Corvettee in class once. She told me that she’d never been made fun of. And with her attitude. I wouldn’t mock her either. Also, she was 37.

Also, mocking weird names is a little racist. Ever heard of the rumor about the name La-a (La-dash-a), where the child annouces that “the dash don’t be silent”? Yeah, there is no documented evidence that this name has actually been used. And it’s a racist rumor. Did you read the Jezebel list? At least two names on that list are actually ethnic names.  Krittika is an Indian name, Kaixin is Chinese and Thinn and Kix can be linked back to English surnames. William Thynn was believed to be Chaucer’s first editor, which makes that a pretty decent namesake. And all of this should make you pause long enough to think that maybe, just maybe, that name you are being all judgy about belongs to a kid who’s ancestors weren’t all WASPs and named Katherine and who vacationed in Vermont.

The real problem with judging baby names is that it presumes there is a standard for monikers. Like if we aren’t all Avas and Jaydens, somehow the core of our existence is undermined and the Mayans were right and we’re all going to be Left Behind because Jesus hates that you named your baby Bear Blu Cheese.

Spare me. Name your baby what you want. In the end, even if your kid is named Grace Anna Sophia Elizabeth Ava, she’s still going to kick the crap kicked out of her in sixth grade. That is what sixth grade is there for. And also, your Jacob Mason William is going to hate you. Maybe not for his name, probably for all that kale you made him eat. But he’s going to hate you. Might have well just named him Venysus and got it over with.

Let’s all be honest. I’m just priming the pumps to name my next kid Gertrude McPoop.  Don’t judge.

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