I was sick with the stomach flu three days before Christmas. And it wasn’t until December 28, that food was properly being processed by my internal waste management facilities. No one needs details, except to say Santa put Imodium in this mommy’s stocking. When I finally could eat, I wanted a sandwich. “Oh you can’t eat that,” said a friend whisking away the sandwich meat from in front of me. “How about some leftover lasagna?”
A day later, while we were visiting family, I asked for coffee. “I’d make coffee, but you can’t have it anyway,” was the reply I recieved.
I know everyone is just looking out for me, but honestly, back off.
When I was pregnant with Ellis, the cashier at the sushi place I ordered California rolls from, asked me if I should be having them. I said nothing. But I starting eating them before I left the restaurant. Just because I wanted her to see me cram them down my throat.
God bless, America. A girl claims she is sexually assaulted and everyone looks the other way.
But, the moment you get pregnant, everyone is there to let you know that you should NOT BE EATING THAT SANDWICH RIGHT NOW! PUT IT DOWN. I’M CALLING THE COPS.
Recently, Australian radio personality and mom-to-be Chrissie Swan , was caught sneaking a cigarette in her car. Cue the firestorm of hate. In an interview, the tearful Swan didn’t justify her actions, but she did remind people that she is just a person, who has an addiction that she’s fighting and is doing the best she can.
“It’s a horrifying situation and people are rightly disgusted,” she said, adding that she only told her partner and her mother after the photograph was taken. She also said she hoped that the incident was dramatic enough to help her give up the fags for good.
She said her latest pregnancy had been a “massive surprise and I had tried to go cold turkey like I did with (oldest son) Leo and I was confident I could do it, but I couldn’t. I just failed and failed, time after time.”
While my love of caffeine and a sandwich is hardly on par with a serious smoking addiction. There is the greater point here: Once you get knocked up, you do not become some mystical vessel of life and awesome and rainbows and unicorns. You are just you, but fatter and a little bit more whiny. And no matter what Judgy McHouseWife says as you order your Venti Latte from Starbucks, your body is yours.
As a society we put mothers in a double bind. As the recent backlash against mommy blogs shows, society vilifies mothers for being obsessed with their children. And yet, when a mother-to-be even dares to breathe that she might do something like make her own choices about her baby and her body, like for example, not breastfeed or drink wine, or let her kid play with the iPad while she sneaks candy from the kitchen, it’s open season on moms.
Here is the thing. I know we are all just muddling through. And some muddle through with kale and almond milk and some muddle through with cheetos and coffee. But the point is, by the time our kid’s get to community college, no one can tell the different between those who’s moms didn’t even lick a peanut during their gestation and who’s amniotic fluid was basically made of Mt. Dew. It’s not like Harvard has the “Who’s mom didn’t sip alcohol while pregnant?” question on their application. Should we all do our best to follow the doctor’s advice? Absolutely, but even my own doctor eye rolls the recommended guidelines and says, “Getting in the car pregnant is more dangerous than having a sandwich.” Which just shows how little she knows about what I can put on a sandwich.
Mothers are human. Mothers suck. Mother’s sometimes need a turkey club on rye with a pickle. So, in the spirit of honesty, I’m going to tell you all the things I will probably do during this pregnancy:
1. I will probably have a glass of wine in the third trimester when it’s July and I can’t sleep and it’s a choice between a sip of booze or stabbing my husband for annoyances unknown.
2. Turkey sandwich on rye.
3. Get a pedicure or 10.
4. Put on a two-piece and let my side fat hang out at the pool.
5. Give you the finger.
6. Be a human being.