It has come to my attention that some mothers take their sleeping children and turn them into beautiful pieces of art.
And that’s really great that they can do that. You know? Crap all their creativity and ingenuity all over the internet like that for us to see.
There are actually no pictures of my children during naptime. You want to know why? Because if by some miracle my children are napping in their beds. I’m not hovering over them with a camera. I’m getting the hell out of Dodge and taking myself to the kitchen where a stash of Oreos awaits. I mean, I could turn my kids into art, or I could do all of these other things.
1. Curl into the fetal position and weep.
3. Fold clothes.
4. Read Facebook and get really angry about Bitstrips. They aren’t funny, America.
5. Pick dried cheese off my feet.
6. Find crackers in my bra.
7. Eat crackers.
8. Decide to read a book.
9. Start looking for my book in progress. Step on a princess. Swear.
10. Wish there were a Coke-a-Cola delivery service.
11. Draw up a business plan for a Coke-a-Cola delivery service.
12. Work on my elevator pitch: Door to door coke. But, not, you know, coke.
13. Wonder where all the Kit Kats have gone.
14. Look at Pinterest.
15. Weep in the corner.
16. Decide to buy a jigsaw, because that one blog made building your own bookshelf look so easy.
17. Decide to read the news and learn about the world again.
18. End up just looking at pictures of baby Prince George.
19. Wonder what Minnie Driver is up to.
20. Listen to the children begin to wake up and wish I had taken a nap.