I don’t know what it is about this time of year, but it really makes me want to light things on fire. In early November, I make an annual trip to Target, where I grab a coffee, make a complete lap of the store, before finally stopping in the home section to smell all of the candles and decide what will be the scent of my winter. Will it be a classic evergreen? A spritely cranberry? What scent do I want to waft across the noses of my guests and family as they enter my home?
This year, I decided that the candle scents offered by your run-of-the-mill retailers are not enough. I need a scent that communicates so much more than, I’m-not-actually-baking-pie-but-I-want-you-to-smell-it-anyway. Here are the scents that I need.
1. I’m better than you: This would be a stately mixture of sandalwood, library books and hundred dollar bills. The combined scent evokes a subtle hint of “you are inferior, now grovel.”
2. Trust me, I lost the baby weight: I want a scent that evokes the aura of skinniness without me actually giving up my daily binge on banana bread and wine. Maybe it smells like bran and sweat and Jillian Michael’s hair.
3. Get out of my house: What better way to signal to guests that it’s time to leave because you value “Criminal Minds” over human relationships than by lighting a candle that smells like disgust and loathing? A mixture of Axe body spray, unwashed sheets, and a boot to the rear.
4. Falalalalala, jerks: A blend of evergreen, campfire, really boozy eggnog and your middle finger–this candle tells people that no, you really love the holidays. They are great. Super. Awesome. You love nothing better than decorating your house in cheap glitter and glass things that your kid will destroy and then making a thousand cookies just to have your husband eat them all in 30 minutes. Joy to the world.
5. Elephant in the Room: This actually just smells like poop. You light it and dare anyone to bring up the lingering smell of feces. It’s an exercise in repression. Note: This candle might not work if you live on the East Coast or in any other region where emotions are communicated.
6. We did not just stop fighting the moment you stepped in the door: This candle smells of roses, marital harmony with only a slight undertone of bitterness and all the wine you are going to drink.