I read The Toast. A lot. I recommend you do so as well. Recently, the editor Nicole Cliffe wrote a list of her demands. Her list, once it pasts number 45, is eerily similar to any list I would write. So, instead, I bring you a list of demands from the baby, who has recently begun teething and set himself up as ruler supreme of the evil babies society. Here is a list of his requests, demands and suggested reforms. If the ruling government can’t meet said demands, he has no choice but to instigate revolution and overthrow the ruling party, which, between us, has grown fat and lazy with power.
1. To wake up at 2am and be fed promptly at 2:05am. If this demand is not complied with, at 2:06 he shall commence screaming and wake up his sister.
2. That cracker on the floor.
3. Your hair in his mouth, now.
4. That toy. No, that toy! NO, THAAAT TOY!
5. Whatever it is you think you are eating.
6. Your boobs are a 2-hour buffet. He will feast at a time of his choosing. Do not attempt to block access to his milk supply. You will surely rue the day.
7. His daddy.
8. No, his mommy.
9. Just kidding, he wants his daddy.
10. To never nap!
11. Unfettered access to all electrical outlets and cords. Also, boobs.
13. Your complete attention.
14. The iPhone.
16. He would like to grab your cheeks and pull your skin. He would like you to not yell while executing this maneuver.
17. He would like you to not sneeze so loudly. It makes him cry.
18. Also, let’s discuss your coughing. Too loud. It disturbs his baby meditation.
19. Stop trying to sleep train him. Frankly, you are embarrassing yourself.
20. He would like that half of stale cookie under the couch. If you could be a dear.
21. He wants you to stop putting him on the floor of that bathroom while you pee. It’s upsetting. This is why science invented baby paraphernalia. I mean, honestly,the bouncy seat is in the hall. JUST LEAVE HIM THERE! IS THAT SO HARD?
22. Please stop pulling dust bunnies out of his mouth. It’s gross, and honestly, it’s just plain rude to scream and scoop your dirty fingers into a being’s mouth.
23. A pacifier.
24. For you to pick up the pacifier after he spit it out.
25. A spoon. Nope, the one you are using to feed yourself. That one.
26. To throw said spoon on the floor and scream until it is retrieved.
27. To repeat the actions in number 26 ad nauseam.
28. To put all your most precious items in his mouth.
29. To lick his sister.
30. A steak. What? He’s hangry.
31. For you not to do that thing which you had planned on doing and were looking forward to very much.