The Very Best Parenting Advice You Will Ever Receive

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When I had one child, I was an amazing parent. Now that I have two, well just look at this smug grin on my smug face. That’s the look of a woman who has no idea what the hell she is doing. The first baby we sleep trained at 8 weeks. The second baby laughs in delight when we try to make him cry anything out ever. The first baby was fed homemade baby food from organic locally sourced produce. The second baby really loves his Gerber’s chicken and rice. Also, crackers, also chocolate pie, ice cream and genetically modified carcinogens. Yum, carcinogens.

What I’m trying to tell you is that I am a dearth of knowledge and insight on how you too should train your baby.  Take it from me, the lady who let her baby chew on a pine cone.

Of course, you should always have a completely natural birth, free of toxins and medication. Unless, of course, you don’t want to or had a medically necessary c-section then don’t we don’t judge here. We’re all one family. And there are no medals, I don’t think. If there are, I’m going to be really pissed off.

And when it comes to breast feeding, breast is of course best. How dare you feed your baby formula. Unless of course you can’t give your baby the breast. Then, god, those breast Nazis are the worst, amirite? As long as your baby get’s food, who cares? Same goes for baby food. Never give your baby that processed crap. It’s so easy just to blend baby food. But of course, Target has some great deals on Gerber food and there is this coupon. And we’ll probably all die from a Chinese invasion before Monsanto is finished poisoning us. But locally sourced and organic is obviously the way you should go.

Never yell and don’t discipline. You don’t want to squash your child’s sweet spirit and children intuitively know the right thing to do. Unless of course they are fishing for poop in their diaper in the grocery store or kicking strangers in the shin. Then you should totally parent and how dare you raise a special spoiled snowflake? Entitled parents are ruining America.

You should also carefully monitor your children and guide them. But not if you are going to helicopter parent. That will screw them up forever. So, let your kids run and be free. Kid’s these days are overly scheduled, but if you don’t give them structured activity you aren’t preparing them for life and you are awful. Kids are all winners until they have to learn to lose. Kids are great until they are the worst.

Now, let’s talk sleeping. Schedules are great for maintaining structured household that makes kids feel secure. Make them cry it out because you are teaching them to be well-rested and that is good. Of course, you don’t want to make them stop trusting you, so never make them cry it out and schedules are only for people who don’t love their children.

Cloth diaper and baby wear. But poop in the washing machine is totally gross so paper diapers are okay. And baby wearing doesn’t give your children independence, so don’t do that.  And you should home school your children so they are free and independent thinkers. But also, teachers are trained for a reason. What do you think you know anyway? Send them to public school. But we can all agree private school is the the real problem here, right? Are you too good for everyone? Huh? But private schools do have better test scores and you want your kid to have a leg up in life, so private school is a good idea.

How dare you feed your child those crappy chicken nuggets? What is wrong with you? Tofu organic nuggets are better. But processed food is evil and you are poisoning your child. Unless of course it’s a sometimes treat and why are parents to judgmental when all we want is just some fries? Sheesh. Back off.

In the end, you need to know that you know nothing. You are a terrible parent. But we are all on the same team, so we should get along and support each other. Go, mom!

I hope this has been enlightening for you. Please let me know if you need any other advice.

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