Yesterday, I was walking downstairs holding baby Jude. Ellis walked in front of us. She threw her hands in the air and yelled, “Magic away! We can fly! Fly baby Jude.” Jude started giggling. Ellis yelled louder, “We are magic. We are all magic fliers!” It was one of those moments when I just wanted to hit pause and live in that little time tunnel forever, with my kids little and crazy and everything ahead of us.
The transition from one to two kids has been hard. It’s been like going from playing high school football straight to the pros. For the past five months, most days I’ve felt like I wake up only to be hit by the speeding metaphorical linebacker of my children’s wants and needs. But lately, I haven’t been clinging to Dave’s legs as he leaves for work. Lately, I haven’t been sitting by the door waiting for him to come home, counting the minutes, checking my phone, wondering what I would do if he got into a car accident. Because, oh god, don’t leave me alone with these kids! And then when he does come home, I don’t immediately want to run screaming from the house into the arms of wine and adult conversation.
Needless to say, I haven’t handled this transition well. I’ve been exhausted. Moody. Resentful of everyone who gets to leave the house. Alone. What’s that like? HOW DO YOU FEEL? IS IT AMAZING? Baby Jude is struggling with the bottle so I’m anchored by my boobs and I’m overwhelmed by his needs. Overwhelmed by the love and faith my children have in me. Overwhelmed by my responsibility. You want to eat. You want some juice. You want a book. You want love. You need attention. You need your nose wiped. You need to stop kicking me.
But Jude will be five months old in five days. He likes to play with toys and grab his toes and giggle at his sister. Ellis has finally regained the ability to poop on the potty (for the most part) and I feel like we’re coming in for a landing. Or at least until Jude learns to crawl. To forestall that day, I’m refusing to let him do tummy time and tipping him over whenever he tries to do anything other than lay there.
*Reaches for the Valium*
This is a video of Ellis singing “Away in a Manger.” She keeps saying, “NO WET ME!” because I keep trying to go all stage mom and mouth the words along with her. She’s having none of that. So, I’ll just leave this here. Happy Holidays.