School starts in two weeks and both kids will be going two days a week. That’s right, the baby and the three-year-old will be out of the house and with others two days a week for four hours each day. That means I will have eight hours a week all to myself. And I know, right? Eight hours. Eight whole hours. That’s like almost a full work day, but divided into two days.
I bumped into someone at the park last week, who was all, “Wow, all that time, what will you do?”
At first I thought she was kidding, so I blinked, but no, that wide-eyed expectant stare stayed on her face. Bless her heart, she thought I was going to answer. I just smiled, “I’ll think of something.”
She laughed. “Maybe you could nap.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Too bad Oprah’s off the air. Now what will I watch while I eat my bonbons?”
“Maybe The View?”
That’s when I was sure she was trolling me, but in real life.
Since then, a lot of people have been asking me what I am going to do with this glut of free time. You know, those eight hours. Which are actually more like six because of pick up and drop off time, but six. I mean, that’s a lot. So, I thought I would just answer right here, right now, here are 18 things that stay-at-home moms do with all their free time when school starts. But this is by no means a comprehensive list.
1. Sit down and eat a meal where no one is screaming at me or asking me how many bites until ice cream.
2. Cure cancer.
3. Read the news.
4. I don’t know, maybe do the work that I normally do late in the night, so I can go to sleep before 11.
5. Get a job that somehow lets me work only eight hours a week and make a ton of money, because you know, the economy is super great and very accommodating to working women with children. Yay, America!
6. Start an online petition to bring back Oprah.
7. Take a shower.
8. Single-handedly stop the Ebola outbreak and then go grocery shopping.
9. Take the Iron Throne.
10. Find Sasquatch.
12. LOL. I don’t know. Maybe I should have another baby because I have a lot of free time now.
13. Clean the house, I guess that’s my job because I have a vagina and so much free time.
14. Finally get that perfect Instagram of my feet. It’s like the holy grail of social media, amirite?
15. Solve crime while sipping tea and fulfill my dream of becoming the Agatha Christie of Iowa.
16. Take boxing lessons.
17. Build a time machine.
18. Go back in time and punch you in the face for asking that question to any mother getting her kids ready for back to school.