I have previously knocked down all your sacred cows. Time for some more.
Mrs. Pteranodon from “Dinosaur Train.”
We all know you kidnapped that baby T-Rex, but why? To what purpose? Just to eat your other children in a few years. Look, I can understand wanting someone to off Tiny and Shiny, but Don is delightful. You ma’am, should be in jail.
Mom from “Eloise.”
Congratulations. In your prolonged absence, you’ve managed to create the most obnoxious child that ever graced the pages of fiction. You should probably put that on your CV. Also, I hope you are saving for therapy, because that kid has some serious abandonment issues and she’s taking them out on the poor staff of the Plaza Hotel.
Mrs. Tiger from “Daniel Tiger.”
There is no way you can sing all those stupid songs and not be high on some sort of painkiller. Are you high right now, Mrs. Tiger? ARE YOU? Also, why are you the only one wearing pants in this family? Are you asserting your control over the men? If so, I approve. Or is this some sort of other kind of control. Like the men have the freedom of pantslessness, while you must bind your legs and genitals in those awful capris? If that is the case, can I help you? Do you need help? Is this why you are high? Let me help you, Mrs. Tiger.
Mom from “Calliou.”
Look, unlike Daniel Tiger’s mom, I’m absolutely sure you are high right now. There is no other way any of us could be if we had to face that wailing, bald, narcissistic monster you call a child every day. I mean, I need a stiff drink just to turn your show on. You realize your kid is probably going to grow up into the Canadian version of Patrick Bateman, right? It’s okay. I know you know. I’m sorry. We can’t be friends.
Mom from Pinkalicious.
Did you actually name your child Pinkalicious? But you named your son Peter? Look everyone has the right to name their kids what they will, but lady, you make North West sound like the name of a future supreme court judge. I just can’t with you right now.