1. If you are a mother, you need to die or contract a disease that leaves you bed-ridden but also lovely.
2. If you are a father, you need to marry an evil woman as a mother substitute for your children. The occupation of woodcutter is preferable.
3. Chronically neglecting your children means they will have delightful adventures which don’t always end in death.
5. Abandon them in the woods.
6. Orphan them, but in a shipwreck. Or find an evil practitioner of black magic to off you. Really, you are holding your kids back.
7. After death, appear to them as a magical creature and give them cryptic advice.
8. Sew them dubious red garments.
9. Send them on errands in the woods.
10. If you aren’t a woodcutter, are not married to a woodcutter, you better know one.
11. Buy an investment property in the woods. Raise your children there.
12. It is preferable to be very poor. The worse of a provider you are, the better parent. So abject poverty is the goal here.
13. If you are rich, marry your girls off to men who have beards and a lot of missing wives. Your sons are probably screwed. Or swans. I bet they turned into swans.
14. Treat the younger child worst than the oldest.
15. Forget college, always send them off into the world to seek their fortune.
16. If you find a bear, fish, or other woodland animal in a trap, let it go.
17. Accept that at some point, one or more of your children will transform into an animal.
18. Teach your children to talk to the bleeding heads of donkeys with respect.
19. The best dowry is an invisible cloak.
20. If your daughters are doing something suspect, have them followed by a poor soldier.
21. Your child’s hand in marriage is a pretty good solution to ending most wars, strife, threats from beasts who speak with a human tongue, or other minor annoyances.
22. Black magic.
23. Do not under any circumstances let your daughter’s sell matches.
24. Your daughter who only wants a rose is the best one. The others are garbage. Burn them.
25. The youngest is probably the best one. But you have to hate him. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.
26. Fear the huntsmen.
27. Wishing your daughter to be beautiful will incur the wrath of witches, queens, and evil fairies.
28. Always vaccinate your child against sleeping illnesses.
29. Should your child fall prey to a sleeping illness, create for them a bower as if they are dead. Solicit men to kiss them.
30. Stop being a jerk, of course you kid will win the golden ticket.
31. Ensure that your child has shitty, rich cousin to make his or her life miserable. If you refuse to die, this is really the next best thing for them.